Fylde Vandals 52 – Bolton 3^rdXV 20

It’s not often that a team shakes the opposition’s hands before a game but the Vandals were tempted to do just that in recognition of someone being willing to turn up and give them a game and Carne the chance to use her new camera this week. Yes they finally got some game time and awoke from their mid season 3 week hibernation to record a comfortable enough but never easy victory over Bolton. Some sublime rugby was interspersed with at times calamitous Keystone Cops play, which has been pretty much the pattern of the Vandal’s play this season since that rascal Steve Hodgkins joined us and confused everyone by bandying around phrases like ‘rugby intelligence’ and ‘continuity’.

Bolton travelled with a bare 15 players and not a single spectator, conversely the Vandals even with Riggers, Andy T & Ollie Watts missing had a an embarrassment of riches (and some rags) with a squad of 23 to choose from. This meant skipper Phil Swindells had to ask his Bolton counterpart if he would allow Fylde to have more than 5 subs. “You do what you think is best” he replied clearly trying to shame Bolshy Boy into lending them a few replacements, “thanks a lot” said Phil missing or ignoring the heavily laden hint, “if you get any injuries we might lend you one of our lesser able benchers”!

With 4 games scheduled at home this match was at the Vandals second home of King Teds who again we thank for their generosity. In the end with the 4^thteam game cancelled at late notice we could have played at the Woodlands. Some say it was for logistical reasons we kept it as it was, personally I think the wiser heads were steering well clear of the Vandalettes who had mob-handedly taken over ladies day at the club and were behaving like drunken dockers at a stag party. Reports of scenes reminiscent of that Fat Gypsy Wedding documentary filtered through later in the day, quite how they dared turn up at a Ladies Day function when there isn’t a lady amongst them is beyond me. I will say though that in their slinky dresses and dangerous footwear they were looking pretty delicious even if they were decidedly dishevelled when we returned to the club after the game. Those girls can party.

So apparently there was a rugby game I was going to tell you about. Spluttering and wheezing into life like an old lawnmower that has been in the shed all winter the Vandals squeezed into their shirts (praise be to the inventor of spandex) and kicked off for the first time in a month. Brian Cardwell and Scotty provided almost 100 years of prop between them making Mark Worsley look like a teenager at hooker, Toddy & Steady cranked the average up again in the second row and foliage-faced Hodgy looking like Desperate Dan at number eight had Cardwell minor and Steve ‘hand-off’ James keeping him company in the back row. Podders and Swins were as usual at nine and ten, Ed Mahon started with Pete Acton in the centres with Liam McCarten and Sean Townsend winging it (literally) and the joker Satch at full back.

It didn’t take long for the first score. On 5 minutes Pete Acton set off on one of his trademark ‘I don’t know where the hell I’m going’ mazy runs, Swins managed to follow him and find Podders the poacher in support for a nice score under the posts which Ed had no trouble converting, 7-0. On 12 minutes Swins made a lovely break, bamboozled a few defenders with nifty footwork then popped a lovely ball to Steady, which he duly knocked on, no doubt jug avoidance as he mistakenly thought a third try in 42 seasons would count as a hat trick. There then followed a bit of a turgid spell, after no rugby for some time rhythm was lacking with knock-ons a plenty and Bolton despite their lowly position are no pushovers. They had a nuggety pack who spoiled when Fylde had the ball and ran hard when they had it, especially their prop, ‘he’ll do that all day” Pete Tankard kept telling us…….and he kept bloody telling us all day as well! Bolton managed to turnover far more ball in the tackle than they should have been allowed to which prevented the Vandals from building the phases as they usually do.

On 23 minutes Bolton marched up the field, forced a 5-yard scrum and created space for the centre to cross for a good try, unconverted but it was suddenly 7-5. Stung into action the Toddmeister stole a great line out ball, a scissors move saw Ed burst through, pick the pass to Steady who played link man and it was again Podders over, with Ed converting again for 14-5. The final try of the half came just before the break with Acton and Swins creating space for the other Townsend to round off a brotherly hat trick with a try in the corner, a great kick from far out by Ed made it a 21-5 lead which was reduced to 21-8 on the half time whistle as Fylde infringed in their 22 and the Bolton scrum half slotted the penalty.

At half time some tactical changes were made with Rob Parr coming on for Chris Cardwell in the back row and Dave Storey replacing Acton in the centres. Rob immediately added a bit of extra steel with some direct running and combative defence and the second half started with Fylde in more determined mood. On 43 minutes fine passing between Hodgy and Scotty saw Storey hit the line at pace and carve through before he drew the last man and put Swins over, again converted by Ed for 28-8 and on 50 minutes good hands from a quick penalty put Liam McCarten in for his second try in as many games and it was 33-8. That was quickly followed by another try in the far corner, from a distance it was hard to see who had dotted it down and nobody was keen to confirm the try scorer either, which must mean it was Satch, because nobody likes it when he gets over the line.

With a bench as big as it was changes a plenty had to be made to get everyone some game time. Martin Wiiliams replaced Toddy, that pint-sized Al Pacino lookalike Richard Mason came back from his rib injury to replace Steve James, Podders made way for Swins to move to scrum half and Pete Tankard came on at number ten. Adam Kerr, having had 5 minutes at second row for Bolton in the first half had a spell at both centre and full back for the Vandals as first Ed then Satch retired for the day, the last bencher on being Gary Andrews, a welcome return in his first outing since breaking his ankle on the opening day of the season.

On 25 minutes lazy defence around the front of a lineout in Fylde’s 22 gifted Bolton a try which was converted to make it 38-15 before a move that looked like it had broken down on the Bolton line was rescued by a charge down which Storey pounced on for the score, Kerr sending over a lovely conversion to make it 45-15. With 5 minutes left Gary Andrews, resplendent in his bobby dazzler ‘they surely can’t be legal’ American football boots ran a beautiful angle to break the defensive line before Swins, Sean T and Martin Williams all combined with some gorgeous hands to send the Vandals answer to Schalk Brits Mark Wurzel over for a lovely try, Kerr again converted and it was past the half century at 52-15. Unfortunately Swins had tweaked his hamstring in the move and with the touchline manager now running touch on the far side Podders unilaterally decided to go back on himself. In the remaining minute he sure did make his mark. Williams made a sumptuous break, threw a shocker of a pass, the ball was juggled unconvincingly to Podders who threw it straight to a Bolton player. You couldn’t even call it an interception pass as the guy was stood still looking totally bored waiting for the final whistle. Shocked into life by the gift of a pass and with no defenders within 20 yards of him he cantered over for the easiest try he will ever score and the game ended in true Benny Hill final credits fashion.

Despite some understandable rustiness this was a good performance and a decent win with Bolton presenting a tough challenge especially in the tight up front. Fylde remain in second place and it is now Hawcoat Park who are in third 6 points behind having played the same amount of games. With games running out in which to avoid the ghastly spectre of promotion attention turns to next week when the said Hawcoat Park visit the Woodlands for a tense ‘winner might take all even if they rather wouldn’t’ clash. We are thinking of asking for penalty point deductions for every game Scotty has played in this season, after all if clubs get docked points for fielding ineligible players why can’t we get docked them for fielding an unintelligible player? All spectators are welcome next week even if the Vandalettes probably won’t be talking to me.

Team:  Scott, Worsley, Cardwell B, Todd, Stead, James, Hodgkins, Cardwell C, Townsend P, Swindells, McCarten, Mahon, Acton, Townsend S, Satchell

The huge bench: Parr, Storey, Williams, Latus, Mason, Tankard, Kerr, Andrews

Snapper: Carne